Gratefulness

Today I find it very hard to write because my heart is very heavy and full of disappointment. I do not feel joyful, I do not feel hope, I do not feel a sense of gratitude in anyway. However, often the choices we make will cause our heart and emotions to follow, so I am choosing to practice joy, hope, and gratitude today even though I feel dead inside. 

I had a great disappointment this week. In fact, in the past 6 months I have faced a string of events that have been disappointing and just downright unfair. However, what happened on Friday was straw that broke the camel's back. I have to be honest. Right now I am feeling as if I'm the "almost girl"-almost talented enough, almost beautiful enough, almost favorable enough, and always coming in second.  Regardless of the truth, the recent events I have faced have left me feeling as if I have been knocked down and kicked while down. It's a fact that life is not fair and things happen for reasons we will never understand. I do not know why things have been so challenging, but I know that I am not the same person I was 6 months ago and I am grateful for that. 

That is what I want to focus on today-gratefulness and gratitude. I was inspired by what I heard someone say today. So often we can be grateful for things-things which we are NOT. We can be thankful that we are not. Perhaps we are thankful that we are not like someone else, thankful that we are not in someone else's financial situation, thankful that we do not look like someone else, etc. May I suggest that we approach gratefulness from a positive rather than negative viewpoint. Choose to acknowledge gratefulness on what you do have. 

One of the biggest struggles that we face is basing our contentment on comparing ourselves to others. What a different world it would be if we did not compare ourselves with others. Would we even be able to truly know what discontentment was? While our world may run from this competitive viewpoint, God does not see us in that light. He has no favorites so how on earth can He possibly compare to anyone else. What an amazing thought, we are so special to Him we can't even begin to compare to anyone else because there is no one else like us. 

 Regardless of what you believe, we all acknowledge that we are all truly unique and different people and we celebrate our diversity. So whether you believe in God or not, we can at least accept our uniqueness and realize that the only person we can compare ourself with is ourself. We can only strive to be the best version of ourselves not someone else. 

It is hard to feel thankful and joy amidst adverse circumstances. We often times think we will find thankfulness and gratitude once we find joy, however thankfulness is the vessel in which we can truly find happiness. 

I leave you with this quote from Victor Hugo.

He who is not capable of enduring poverty is not capable of being free

Poverty is more than just a financial hardship, poverty is the art of doing with out and letting go. I think poverty can even be a season of famine within the heart when we face the loss of security, friendship, community. Anyway you look at it poverty can produce endurance and it changes who we are. 

My challenge to you is to find thankfulness in what you do have wherever you are in your life. If you are truly honest with yourself, you may find you have more to be grateful for than you realized. May you be humble in spirit and rich in gratitude!

Finding Sunshine On A Cloudy Day

When the temperatures are cold and the sky is gray and and it is as if life is being shot in black and white, it can be easy to feel gray inside. While sitting by the fire with a cup of hot cocoa may be warm and cozy, it can quickly loose it's charm when the cold days drag on and on. Today the sun came out and I looked up and smiled at it and it smiled back and made me feel warm fuzzies inside. This made me think of all the small and simple things that bring me joy and make me feel like a little kid again. In fact it's mostly the small things that make me feel so joyful inside. While for some of you it may be bright sunny and warm(er) we all feel seasons of winter in our hearts. So as silly as it may seem, here is my list. What's yours?

1. Reading Nancy Drew books
2. Sipping hot cocoa
3. Putting on a sweater right from the dryer
4. The colors turquoise/aquamarine, red, and yellow
5. Window shopping at Anthropologie
6. Chilling in a coffee shop
7. Working on art projects
8. Peonies and poppies
9. Audrey Hepburn movies
10. Looking at pretty papers
11. Pedicures
12. Afternoon tea
13. Eating antipasti
14. Friday nights with Chris
15. Movie marathons
16. Learning French words
17. Getting a massage
18. Sherlock Holmes or Edgar Allen Poe
19. Watching Scooby Doo (the original cartoon)
20. New journal
21. Looking at art
22. New lip gloss
23. Saturday mornings out and about
24. Breakfast
25. Playing the piano
26. Singing
27. Bookstores
28. Warm smells like fig, nutmeg, etc.
29. Sitting outside on a blanket or swing on a sunny afternoon reading
30. Finding a unique treasure in an obscure place
31. Eating pasta, butter, and parmesan
32. Gorgonzola and Brie
33. Red Velvet Cake
34. Ella Fitzgerald
35. Gypsy Jazz
36. Syncopated rhythms

So This Is My Story

To be honest with you, the reason I'm starting this blog is to be honest. Let's face it, life is full of it's ups and downs and blessings mixed with curses. Each and every one of us have a unique road of our own, and yet somehow all of our lives intertwine together and paths cross in this divinely unique tapestry called life. This blog is about how my road meets your road. 

Somehow I find myself in Cincinnati, Ohio. I think I wake up just about every morning and pinch myself to make sure I'm not just living in a very real extension of my unconsciousness as I wonder to myself, "How did I EVER end up here?" While there is nothing wrong with the fine city of Cincinnati, it is here in this city that I find my life thoroughly capsized and I'm struggling not to drown in my new surroundings. I realize now that the dreams I have tried to chase after have fallen through the cracks of my fingers as I loose my grip on everything I held dear. It is as if my dreams have caught up in a sudden swell of wind, have blown away, and have landed in the hands of those who have not tried, have not sweat, have not shed tear, nor bled in chase of them as I have. I now sit back and watch others living out my destiny while I wonder where I am or who I am or what my real purpose is. I have hit what feels like my "rock bottom". 

Let me help you understand why I have hit my "rock bottom." I was born and grew up in Phoenix, Arizona. I lived in a Cape Cod style house which is very ironic considering all of Phoenix is a desert. The house was built 1986 and as my mother claims, it was the house that I picked out. I was 3 at the time. I know we moved into the house when I was 3 because I remember that my first birthday in our new home was my 4th birthday. I also remember I wore a frilly little yellow dress and my friend Emily was there. My point in sharing this memory is to show that to remember a memory such as this from such an early age shows you how many memories were made inside those 4 precious walls. And while the inside and outside appearance changed and grew with the times, so did I. It was home, it was my haven, it was my Paradise. I know this for a fact because the street we lived on was Paradise Lane. 

No matter how hard I tried, something always kept me from leaving this home of mine. I tried to move away twice and circumstances always brought me back. 

I left this house for the first time in October of this past year 2010. 

I left because I felt as if I as suffocating in the life I was living. I left because I felt trapped with no where to go. I left because I wanted to feel as if the world was a little bigger. I left in search of a new adventure. I left because I had never left home. I left to grow up. I left because I could. 

I left because I wanted to start living.

So why was it that I felt as if I was imprisoned? That is a long story! The point is this. I had always been told I had a gift. As a young girl, everyone encouraged me to perfect my gift. I was told I had a bright future and should be given every opportunity to use this gift. This gift became so much a part of my identity that I was the gift and it was me. 

As I grew up this gift became a blessing and a curse; love hate relationship; and at times felt as if it was my abusive love toying with my heart. 

So, when it came time to decide what to do with my life there was not doubt in my mind that I should pursue this gift whole heartedly. I worked at it as hard as I could, yet I was given some bad advice and jumped head first into a journey that would permanently scar my heart and cripple my future. Yet, I never stopped to consider another path because this gift was my identity. 

I made choices based on fear and fear has kept me in my box. It hurt so badly to be in my box. So I tried to break the box open and realized how far I really had to go to get where I wanted, only this time I wasn't the gifted little girl with a bright future. I had arrived at my future. 

It is hard to watch people who have my same gift go on living my dream. It's hard to know that my journey may have paved the way for others to be more successful, yet I am left in the dust of other's growth. It's hard to know that I worked so hard and passionately for something that I cannot reach yet many are handed opportunities that I have craved for as long as I can remember. 

So now I am in a foreign city 2000 miles away from home and 10,000 miles from my dreams. I have lost myself-my identity. I am lonely, I am suffering physical ailments in adjustment to my new surroundings, I have less financial security than I have ever had. I have lost my home, my dreams, my friends, my security, my purpose, and my happiness. I have not found my big new adventure, I have found exile. 

What on earth does all of this have to do with you? 

We all have faced struggle and felt the pang of discouragement. We have all lost something whether it is the death of a dream, the loss of a friendship, the loss of physical freedom. We have all been taken away from our comfort zone now matter the severity. We have all asked ourselves why? Why me? Why now? What do some people seem to receive blessings and other curses? 

We can get lost in all of the whys. The whys will never satisfy the agony our hearts feel. This not about the whys or wallowing in our pain. This is about what comes after we've come to this point. What do we do now with all of the pieces how do we go on? We either crumble or we grow. 

I admit it. I am in great pain and I am struggling to find motivation to keep going. I am swimming in depression and the tears of hopelessness fill my eyes on a nearly daily basis. I am human and I am having a human reaction to all of the changes and losses in my life, but it gives me hope to think that somehow there is meaning and purpose to all of my pain. It is my hope that my tears aren't shed in vain and that somehow I can grow into something more beautiful than I could have ever dared to imagine. It is my sincere hope that somehow my pain can help to ease yours. 

This blog is a challenge to myself to face my struggles and deal with them. It is my hope to be honest and transparent with the struggles I am facing and to make an active effort to confront them. I hope that by letting others in on what I'm doing to deal with my struggles I may somehow be able to help someone else who might be having a similar struggle. 

I hope to create a community of people who can connect and help each other find new hope and new light to continue their journey through sharing their experiences and their strategies for dealing with struggles. It is time to move on, to dream new dreams, to begin a new chapter in my life and I hope that somehow my journ